Say It's Alright Joe(rdan)

This week I received an email from my brother Jordan, and while I won't divulge the entire contents of the email, he, in his own special way, let me know that he was unhappy with the lack of emailing on my part. You see, as time flies by in this little world of mine over here, I sometimes forget to email and keep in touch with some of the most important people in my life-in this case, the said Jordan Gulley. I guess I assume that everything is always okay, but I shouldn't, because it won't always be. I should be more diligent in my communication, but limited internet access will do that to a guy. Anyway, I thought I would honour him in the best way I know how to: on this blog site. I have composed an essay expounding the greatness of Jordan Gulley, aka: Jordan the Great. You may laugh, but I went to university for four years and wrote essays on all kinds of bullshit--nothing else could be more worthy of an essay than the content displayed here. So please read on:

Your Own Special Way: How Jordan Kenneth Gustaaf Gulley Exceeds the Qualities of the "Everyman".

One morning on an early May morning, in the early 1990's, the world awakened as it did on countless occasions previous: the stock market kept blowing up the bubble, the bubble refused to pop; garbagemen continued to collect the trash, the trash refused to disappear. The world was as it should have been: normal. However, after May 4th 19901, the world refused to be normal any longer. Jordan Gulley had been born. Some of my critics might argue that Jordan Gulley is not any better than anyone else; "he's just another man," they will cry. However, in this essay I will argue against this notion; I will prove that Jordan Gulley is not just another "Everyman" (sic) by exploring his past, present, and future contributions to the world.

Before I can begin to prove my assertion, I must first define what an "Everyman" is. The term "Everyman" (which I will henceforth refer to without quotation marks, though with retained capitalization) denotes a man of ordinary countenance, character, and situation. The term itself has a long and rich literary tradition, which reaches as far back as the earliest writings in Middle English, pre-dating Chaucer himself. As with many other words that were developed in the past, during times of different hierarchical social structures as what we see today, Everyman found it's gender-specific nature under attack during the early feminist movement. As one can recall, the early feminists were themselves very divided in defining their mission and methods; as a result, some argued to adopt a new and second word, "Everywoman" when speaking of the feminine sex; others argued that "Everyman" could be broadened in definition and social understanding to include women; others still argued that the word "Everyman" should be burned at the stake "like the witch it is"2, and that a new gender-neutral word should be adopted. Remarkably, there is still considerable argument to the present day over the proper treatment of the term Everyman. The Colllins Cobuild English Dictionary states that Everyman "is used to refer to people in general"; however, Steve Johns (BaH Queen's University, MA University of Toronto) says that "Everyman is an outdated and ill-reputed word. It is not only misogynistic by nature, but is intrinsically heterosexist as well...and we don't want to seem heterosexist now, do we?" It is not my purpose to argue the rights and wrongs of the history of the word "Everyman," so for my purposes here, I will lean more towards the Collins Dictionary definition. Thus, an Everyman can be thought of in the same sense as we would think of the word "everyday"; for example, "watching TV is an Everyman activity" can be thought of as akin to "watching TV is an everyday occurence."

Now to prove Jordan Gulley's excellence over the Everyman, I must begin at the beginning: the past. Jordan, though only 17 years old now, has already contributed more to the world in his short past than most people can hope to contribute in an entire lifetime. Jordan Gulley was a quick learner. To say that he spoke his first word at an early age would be an erroneous understatment, for Jordan started his first argument with me on the car ride home from the hospital after he was born; he was a mere week old! And he won the argument! Jordan's skill in oration developed quickly as a newborn, and he soon figured out that if he threatened his legs with a beating, they would tremble quickly in sheer fear; Jordan had learned the art of walking. After this monumentous discovery came the oft-fabled "snowball effect." Jordan Gulley, with more efficiency than a perpetual motion machine, began his contributions. He was often known as an explorer, and one day while exploring his home he discovered the butter dish. A salty, liquidy snack was at his fingertips, and soon it was on them too, and he licked them dry--if you think this is irony, you don't know just how covered in butter those fingers were. Jordan, soon tired with the limitations of the spoken word, also developed his skills in other arts: drawing was a favourite in his younger years. Have you ever seen the cartoon Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rangers? Jordan animated that entire series when he was three years old; don't check the credits or production company because they had to leave his name off the books in order to comply with American/Canadian child labour laws. They paid him healthily in packages of hockey cards though.

But everyone knows that the past is the past, and in today's free-wheelin', high-speed world, you need results TODAY. So, while Jordan Gulley's past is important, it should only be viewed as the necessary stepping stone to his present. Jordan's abilities and successes today are light-years ahead of the Everyman. You've never heard of Jordan Gulley? Well then my friend, you've been living under a rock, or you're dead and you can't hear anything anymore. If you had been paying attention to the news, you would know that Jordan Gulley's accomplishments in the past month have been numerous. Firstly, he successfully made "sonofabitch" an official English word. The Oxford English Dictionary announced the addition for next year's publication of their dictionary. A spokesman for Oxford University Press said "We are very pleased with the committee's decision to include this word, under the category of 'slang' in next year's edition; however, for the first few years you will only find it's inclusion in our award-winning unabridged dictionaries, and that's a bit of a 'sonofabitch' itself."3 When asked for a comment, Jordan Gulley just pumped his fist in the air and shouted "SONOFABITCH!" Secondly, earlier this past month Jordan beat all the odds (and the scientists) and invented a vaccine for cancer. Malthusians have protested the discovery, but most people in the world seem to agree that his contribution is a good one. And finally, most recently, Jordan Gulley was appointed last week by a unanimous decision as the mayor of Willow Farm. "Willow Farm needed a new leader who could get things done," said one happy villager. "Open your eyes," he continued, "if Jordan Gulley can't find our butterflies, flutterbyes, and gutterflies, then nobody can."4

And while the future is always uncertain, there is little doubt that Jordan Gulley will continue to exceed the Everyman in every aspect of human existence. If Mats Sundin takes 100 shots on any Montreal Canadiens' goaltender, and scores on all 100 of those shots (which he likely would), what type of person will bet money against him scoring on his next shot against a Montreal Canadiens' goaltender? The answer is either "an idiot" or "any fan of the Montreal Canadiens" but the two seem inarguably connected anyway.5 Thus, Jordan Gulley, who has scored positive in all ranks of measure, exceeding the Everyman in every possible way, will, in my argument, continue to exceed the Everyman in every facet of life that he chooses to.

Therefore, Jordan Gulley is not just an Everyman, but rather quite clearly he is THE man. By examining his contributions past, present, and future, I hope to have clearly illustrated Jordan's path of greatness among the ranks of men. Galileo may have given us the telescope, Gutenberg may have given us the printing press, and Gates may have given us the wonderful world of Windows; but Gulley has given us "sonofabitch." Speculation will only continue to grow as to whether or not Jordan can become the first Guaranteed Eternal Sanctuary Man. This humble author thinks the answer will be "yes."

Footnotes
1 -- Percentage of error: one year
2 -- This statement, and the whole feminist argument thingy about the word "Everyman", might never have happened.
3 -- This too, might never have been said. Oxford University Press wouldn't answer my emails.
4 -- That villager's name was Harold the Barrel
5 -- I mean, really, who actually cheers for the Montreal Canadiens??


You may think I'm totally crazy, and you'd probably be right, but I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. Cheers Jordan the Great! You're the best bro a guy could ask for! Love ya bud.

Till next post...